Frenemy forever

Remember a few weeks ago how I had spoken about all the things that we men have in common the world over? I had shared how all men, regardless of their caste and creed, are sloppy, forgetful, lazy, and basically everything else that women in India claim their men to be. In short, the only variety is in the packaging; the product, more or less, remains the same.

 

Women too aren’t really different. Sure they may come in various sizes and brands but the mood range is, more or less, yep, you guessed it…

Here are a few things that most women will respond to similarly thereby providing the concluding argument to my theorem that evolution in the human species probably stopped sometime after Charles Darwin.

 

Of possession: Women can display an inordinate amount of possessiveness. Us men call ‘Shotgun’ on car seats and the occasional pizza slice; women silently do it for everything. When was the last time you ever saw two women with the same dress or shoes? The minute one calls it, the others, even if somewhat resentfully, back off. 

 

Default doubt : If women have a default setting it is of a dubious nature. Why else was Benedict Cumberbatch so effective at reaching out to millions of them? He also had the most unpredictable mood fits as do women  and that only furthered his appeal. The Observation balance: Women don’t want men to check out any girl but they will all be mighty miffed if you didn’t notice how her pumps were too gaudy and didn’t go with what she was wearing and that was absolutely OMG. Women will expect you to remember everything about a random girl and yet put you in the doghouse for anything as much as a momentary flitting glance in her direction.

 

The ill-fit : Remember the story of the girl who went into the house of three bears and complained about how the chairs, bowls and the beds were too big and kept changing till she found one which fit just right? Well, it was a fairy tale alright for in the real world no girl would ever be satisfied so easily and definitely not on just the third try. It would take a lot more and a lot longer before we get to anything that can even remotely be termed a compromise.

 

And while the woman goes through this life-dishevelling experience, you must console her and be there for her. Silently knowing that the only things perfect are ones which either haven’t been made yet or do exist but a certain friend bought it first and hence she can never have them now.

 

The Frenemy principle : With women, if a female acquaintance is not buying you something precious or failing to compliment your exquisite taste and grace everytime you leave the room and walk in again, then she is definitely not your friend. However, were a woman to do these very things earnestly, then she is definitely not to be considered a friend. In short, every woman is out to destroy every other woman which is why they all smile at each other, and hold on to each other as if being reunited with a long-lost pair of Louboutins.

 

Yes sir, long before the French, women invented the social cheek-kissing, only in an attempt to try and smudge the other’s mascara! There you have it, some identity traits that can help you deal with women. You are now equipped to take on the world; just make sure you are back in time to clean up the garage and take out the trash, else ma’am certainly won’t be pleased.

 

The writer is a lover of wine, song and everything fine