India: 50 shades of hypocrisy

Let’s just say my spoken and written language is anything but ladylike — depending on the context, of course (luckily for me, I always manage to find a context!) I like cuss words. Always have. As a schoolgirl, I collected colourful cuss words like other kids collected colourful marbles. Each time I came across a new one, I rolled it around my mouth, tasted its delicious flavour… and waited for the right opportunity to use it. Slang is so seductive.

How can anybody possibly object? I have a senior journalist friend (you know who you are!), who squirms and takes in her breath sharply each time I use a “gaali”. Sometimes, I use several gaalis just to see her horrified expression. Often, she asks me the meaning of a particularly nasty word. I exaggerate wildly, provide a graphic description and watch her plug her ears.

I used to ask her why she reacted this way. After all, I wasn’t abusing anybody in particular, nor was I actually cursing anyone. I was merely expressing myself… and if I did pepper my conversation with a few four-letter words, it was for emphasis… sometimes for shock value… but most times, for fun. That’s it. No harm intended. But, she refused to bite. She felt offended. And soon, I stopped tormenting her.

That’s how it generally goes. The fatigue factor finally sets in and you stop reacting. What we are going through right now is utterly nonsensical. Newly appointed censor board chief, Pahlaj Nihalani (no saint himself, I might add), has piously identified 28 words he thinks are ban-worthy. He has done so on his own steam, without bothering to consult others on the team.

A couple of loudmouths on the board have registered their protest publicly. The others are keeping mum. One of them called me after hearing my views on a television debate, to say she was upset with Nihalani, too, but would not resign, because she believes in “working from within the system”. Whatever that means. To me, this means just one thing: members feeling diminished by Nihalani’s high-handedness and arbitrary decision would rather shut up and hang on to their kursis, than criticise the boss.

I have known a few Censor Board members over the years. They are full of their own self-importance and really do believe they have enormous power over the film industry. They love using it! Most of such appointments are political by definition. It’s a way of returning favours. Members, who know nothing about cinema or have zero interest in popular culture, are asked to warm those chairs by their political patrons. Unfortunately, the film industry has always enjoyed a volatile and uneasy relationship with the Censor Board, even when it was headed by one of their own. This time producers and directors are feeling let down by a man who has been a part of the movie business for decades.

Pahlaj Nihalani was a fringe player. I’d say he really didn’t count — not way back then when he was making dreadful movies, and certainly not now, when his claim to dodgy fame has rested solely on his closeness to Shatrughan Sinha. But clearly, the man has the blessings of his political bosses, or else he would not have taken such a pompous position. Mark my words, this is going to back fire. Just like Aamir Khan’s goody-goody stand against the AIB Roast has also backfired.

Wake up, you fellows. India has changed. And just in case you suffer from selective hearing loss, listen to the language used by your parliamentarians. Listen to the abuses heaped on Arvind Kejriwal and count the number of “banned” words. Replay speeches made by assorted Sadhvis and Maharajs… what would you call them? Try sanitising your political parties before sanitising Bollywood.

Nihalani is not doing this on his own — that’s for sure. And that’s also the scary part. Even the moralists objecting to the AIB Roast are not working alone. There is a much bigger game underway and we’d be foolish to blame Nihalani for trying to become India’s Moral Commissioner. He is following orders. Period. Whose? Aha — that’s the interesting part. Brow beating and bullying the film industry is easy. For the most part, there is no unity in Bollywood. Which is why a Nihalani can get away with his dictatorial conduct. It’s only the Bhatts, who have had the guts to speak up.

Notice how other top stars have steered clear of the raging controversy. That’s Bollywood for you. Everybody runs scared. Everybody protects his or her own skin. There’s too much at stake, they say. Nobody can afford to get screwed — oops — is that word on the banned list, too? Good!

What Nihalani has not factored in is the inventive genius of the young. If he succeeds in banning 28 words… or even 38,000 words, there will be clever, imaginative people who will come up with 3,80,000 more. Not just in Hindi or English, but in India’s countless languages and dialects. What will Nihalani do then? Ban movies altogether?

Run, run… DK Bose, DK Bose, DK Bose…. Run!

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