Battle of the sexes

Today is the motivational speech you have been waiting for. This column could pretty much be the last one I write not because my editors have finally realised what a waste of precious ink and column space I am but because once men have read this, there will be nothing more left for me to say on the subject of relationships or male-female engagements by any other name. I say male-female but it could as easily be male-male or female-female, as long as the couples realise the no matter the mix, one party will always display more masculine traits while the other is distinctly feminine in character. 

The worst bit is that the advice is rather simple: easy to tell and equally easy to understand. It was always there, staring us into eye yet none of us knew how to interpret and adopt it. Now, since I’ve seen the light I realise it can be summed in no more than a handful of words. But since this is only the beginning of my rant, I’ll have to build up to it: they pay me by the word, you see.

Let’s start with what makes women the stronger of the species? It’s not about physical strength else we would have all been the jungle’s minions. It’s not entirely cerebral either for no great leader has been a chess grandmaster or Mensa ace (well if you find one, trust me she will be the exception). So, clearly beating women needs a mix of skills, a set that combines the physical and the mental and then laces it with emotional blackmail, cunningness, strategy and the ultimate weapon, tears. In short, and here it comes, to beat women, men need to become women — to think like them, behave like them, be erratic and irrational like them. Logic might be great at flying us to the moon but it holds no sway in the battle against the fairer sex. We need to fight them with their own weapon, like cutting a five-carat flawless asscher with a five-carat flawless asscher, as the adage goes.

So when you get home, talk about how your colleagues are trying to destroy you, throw a fit every time she mentions work, or chores. Have a nervous breakdown if asked to load the washer, or take out the trash. Say you need a vacay, say she doesn’t ask you enough how your day was, say you feel confused and unwanted. While all these things may be true for most men we have never really expressed them utterly so; time we started externalising voraciously, vehemently and very often. Women may find it confusing at first and if they don’t outright walk out on your new-found sissy self, they may come around to taking care of you or treating you better. That, perhaps, is the only sliver of victory we can hope for. Enjoy it folks, we have earned it; millenniums of bonded slavery of the male of the human species shall finally come to an end.

Before anybody points fingers at me accusing me of gender stereotyping, be careful and choose your words carefully; my feelings are extremely tender and I have been rather fragile of late.

The writer is a lover of wine, song and everything fine