Passive aggression damages relationships

Are you one of those who think that only women have the raw end of the stick in relationships? The emotionally ravaged and dependant underdog in a couple, is not always the woman. I xxhave been observing the tables slowly turning, with women becoming independent, assertive and aggressively flaunting their rights. While this is a pleasant development in general, in some cases, some of this aggression is taken too far. I know of several men who are victims of this particular brand of the new age woman, throwing her weight around in society above and beyond what is called for.

I have observed two noticeable drifts within urban society in recent times — the influx of materialism and the desire to be upwardly mobile. On the one hand, there is the quintessential Indian man who is used to being the cynosure of his woman’s world, the way his father was of his mother’s. But this is no  longer his wife’s priority. I see the  dynamics changing very fast.

Another development I’m noticing is that some women are traveling to the other extreme of the meek and submissive feminine stereotype.  I came back to India in the mid-90s, when most women wore the sari or salwar kameez. Today, some women — along with discarding traditional attire — also discard the traditional values of respect and care necessary for a marriage or any relationship to work. These are women who wish to call the shots all the time, all by themselves. And while I don’t want to get into the feminist debate over equality here, I would like to focus on the men who now bear the brunt of this particular kind of aggression. What is the course they should take?

I’d say the first course of action would be to communicate their concerns. It’s smarter to dig deeper into one’s partner’s problems and hold one’s own while coming up with a solution. If it’s the growing malaise I’ve been noticing in those relationships that have hit a roadblock — where women have found home, hearth and husband/ partner second fiddle to popularity, glamor and lunches — I’d say it is advisable for the man to communicate his sense of neglect to his partner. He should not sound like he’s complaining but more like he is sharing his concern.

All relationships are a work in progress. I recommend that any man in this position write an email to his partner about all the issues he sees in their relationship without making it sound like one long dirge. Sometimes we don’t even realise that we might have gotten carried away with life and its trappings until we are shown the mirror so that we may introspect. It is always more effective when a spouse or partner articulates their thoughts. It is a good way to be prepared to combat any negativity with equanimity and composure.

I’ve also noticed that in a relationship, whenever one hits a roadblock, one thinks of walking out as the best way out. Remember that it is always smarter to find solutions and work things out before that final step. However, if it is a no-win situation, to stay caged in a bad relationship and think that life is over is also not a solution. Should there be no recourse, I’d say you should find your way out.

The writer is a columnist, designer and brand consultant. Mail her at nishajamvwal@gmail.com