Breaking the ice

So something has been brewing between the two, and things have progressed beyond the locking of eyes and some coy words to an invitation out for a coffee, resulting in much romantic anticipation and flutters both ways. Dating is catching on in Indian cities even though it is restricted to the ‘modern’ or ‘forward-thinking’ youth. Traditional families still frown upon this development, and it is often a surreptious exercise. But there is now a form of dating that is increasingly gaining consent, even encouraged by parents. This is when a marriage is arranged and parents agree that the young couple might meet under certain ‘safe’ measures such as appropriate time of day and place, to get to know each other. Since marriage is in the air — even these dates become exciting romantic interludes fired with expectation and anticipation of the ‘happily ever after’.

The first dates can cause some anticipatory stress.  Especially for the conservatives in India. The young man is often likely to be tongue-tied, and the lady bashful.

I have a niece who is pretty, shapely, normally a self-confident and happy soul who goes into a panic attack before a date with fears that ‘he’ would certainly reject ‘her’ on knowing her. However, many men too feel insecure that no girl will marry them. Some put on a brash, cocky demeanour — a reverse mode to cover up their own variety of jitters.

Youth is such that it needs our assurance that they will survive to tell the tale. Things do get easier with more meetings, after all love conquers all, but sometimes things don’t work out too.

Pretence and acting out a role is a bad idea. It is always smart to be yourself and lay the cards on the table at the outset itself. It is important for a couple, whether in an arranged match or a serendipitous romance, to grow to know each other, post the early flutters and coy moments. Initial nervousness and apprehension fade into an exploration, which is the most important phase where both parties must understand each other’s life goals and value systems. It is very essential — when you set out to create a relationship of longevity and companionship — to see that there is a basic shared humour and compatibility. The foundation of a relationship is even more important than shared experiences toward a life together.

I do feel strongly that when there is even some doubt, it’s better to prolong the engagement period than jump head-on into something that may turn out to be a mistake.

The writer is a columnist, designer and brand consultant. Mail her at nishajamvwal@gmail.com