How to argue with a lady

It is a known fact that nobody can win an argument against a woman, and each time a man steps into the ring he is fighting for the bigger cause of his tribe. To win an argument against a woman, it is necessary to redefine the term “winning” in the first place. In the old fashioned Spartan sense, an all out victory  would mean that you managed to subdue the bint physically and mentally, and pranced about the house in your pyjamas, sloppily getting breakfast on the couch and making no attempts to clean up after yourself.

Clearly, that glorious day will never come. So a more toned down version is required, one that allows the woman to see things in a way that is not entirely contrary to hers and allows us some leeway to do things we don’t completely mind doing. Yes, a lot less joyful but pragmatic nevertheless.

The next time you get into an argument with the stronger species, remember that the words “no” and “never”, along with the phrase, “what about when you” are utterances that should be banned outright. Forget them; these sentence structures shouldn’t even exist in your mind. Instead, focus on “yes, dear”, “oh, absolutely!”, “how about”, and the best of all, “that’s a great idea”. Using these, you must manoeuvre the conversation towards a point where both parties are willing to meet. Any more hopes and we risk dashing the whole dingy of discussion into the rocks of refusal.

Now, I know this doesn’t sound like a winning proposition; I mean, if I had organised a Shiv Khera style seminar you’d be asking for your money back. But what’s the point of hyperbole when you know you can’t win? Not only can a woman wilily argue from a point of no logic, she can also shift the goalpost when need be. And the trouble is our shortsighted memory which lets us recall nothing older than the last meal (and that too, only if it was less than three hours ago). As a consequence, we might never know when the examples being cited are true and when they are entirely made up.

It may be possible that I don’t listen enough (or clearly, or often) and in most arguments that is my undoing. I’d keep a written log of every exchange for easy future reference but am pretty sure when the next argument erupts, I’ll forget to look it up.

Memory is not our ally in this war and we must accept it. On the rare occasion that I do manage to cite precedents and highlight an anomaly, it is simply and quickly attributed to some variable that wasn’t there earlier, like say an Easterly wind leading to a change in one’s disposition.

The reason why Aristotle wrote about fallacies was because he knew the many ways us men would lose arguments in the future. He was only trying to watch out for us. But women were smarter they simply chose not to read that document and relegated it to those sections of libraries that even librarians are too scared to walk through alone.

So instead of trying to figure out how to win an argument with a woman, focus on how to please a woman so that she eases the leash a bit. Not seminar material, I know. But at least you’ll live a day longer, and maybe even smile a bit.

The writer is a lover of wine, song and everything fine