On the contrary: A Long rope

Many moons ago when I was a minor cog in the wheels of international trade, I journeyed to the granite quarries of Ilkal, Bijapur, with my Italian buyer, Valerio, who bore more than a passing resemblance to the spaghetti Western actor, Bud Spencer. Communication was a challenge, but with the passage of time, we both became fluent in Valspeak: a curious combination of heavily accented English, laced with desi and Sicilian swear words. Valerio held strong opinions about India and wasn't bashful about airing them. 

Ilkal was a murderously hot, dusty town memorably described by him as "the last place God made"; at the risk of offending the natives, one has to say that a visit there has all the allure of root canal without anesthesia. On one occasion, my competitor, a well-nourished trader named Singh took Valerio to Ilkal and here is the story in his own words. "I tole Seengh, come 5.30, ok, don't be late, he say no problem. In India, when they say no problem, is beeg problem." 

"I waiting, 5.30 no Seengh, 6.30 no Seengh, 8.30 Seengh he arrive. What ees the time I ask? Sorry saar, morning time I am having motion problem, he say. Eat banana, Seengh, I tell him. Then I look the car: same old Ambassador which the British cheat you idiot people for fifty years. East India Company is now Hindustan Motor. Tell me, why you theenk thees car is patriotic symbol, even British they throw out thees sheet thirty years back. Only in India is possible to find thees bullock cart with engine." 

"I ask Seengh why you no breeng taxi? He say he spend 18000/- on maintenance. I say, porca miseria, Seengh, you are eediot. Why you waste money on these rubbish macchina? Give to me 18K and I spend on whisky and girls for one week. We go outside, there is new driver with criminale face, name is Ramesh, combing the hair with one peenk comb and sitting in one side in the corner like a small monkey. I say who is thees? He say new driver… to test. Dio mio Seengh, is my life so cheap for you, I ask?  Take to Cubbon Park for testing, why breeng with me to Ilkal? Did you took insurance on my name?"

"Anyway, we leave Bangalore and thees car don't cross two kilometre, near Mekhri Circle there is one beeg noise 'Kaboom' - the door, he came open. So we stop, the criminale Ramesh, he took some rope from the boot and tied it the door. We move again, 'Thoom' one more beeg noise, the bonnet, he fly open. Some more rope. Then, after 5 km, he stop. What happen now, I ask, something else is broke? No, he say, Ramesh, idiot one want to take tea. So they open the rope from the door and they go to dhaba to take chai. Me I sleeping in the car. Suddenly one boy come to the weendow with one glass chai with four fingers inside. Tea, saar for you, he say. You imagine: one, two finger we manage, three no problem, but four fingers!! Leave eet, I said. Eef I dreenk thees, I sheet for three months. Continuous." Then they all come back, tied up the doors and my dear, the car don't start. Chiggee, chiggee, chiggee, make lot of noise, but is kaput. 

Then Seengh say, Oh, ho a/c pump is not working. I say Seengh, you got intelligence of three month monkey, thees car don't got a/c, is very hot, ok. Then Seengh tell me this a/c pomp is part of the engine of thees sheet British car. My dear, why you theenk James Bond drive Alfa Romeo, why Hamilton drive Mercedes and Schumacher drive Ferrari? The English they don't know to make car or cooking. So then they look for cold water to put on the pump. They don't got water. 

Me I am sleeping, so they took my nice, cold mineral water from my flask to put on a/c pump. After some time, the car start, they tie up everything, we start to move. I wake up because I feeling thirsty, there is no water.  I say, wait Seengh, you get some more rope? He say, why Mr. Valerio, something else is broken? I say, no Seengh, nothing is broke. I need rope because first I want to hang you from thees tree, then I want hang myself for agree to come to Ilkal with you…