Breaking the silence

There are times when his words sting more than his fists ever could. May be he doesn’t hit you, but tells you, you’re not allowed to go out wearing a skirt. He threatens to break up when you refuse to do something — or maybe even says he will kill himself if you talk of leaving him! While many women across the world have struggled with domestic violence as form of abuse, incidents like these went viral on Twitter recently with the hashtag #MaybeHeDoesntHitYou.

The hashtag and the outpouring of grief shed light on the form of abuse that often goes unnoticed because of  the complexities attached to it — emotional abuse. An alarming number of women across the world have admitted to being emotionally abused. Celebrities like Jennifer Lopez and Mariah Carey have also revealed their experiences with this non-physical form of abuse.

Counselling psychologist and psychotherapist Dr. Kashissh A. Chhabriaa explains, “There are two forms of non-physical abuses: mental, when a person manipulates the spouse to work things according to their own whims and fancies and if the spouse won’t, they are looked down upon. It’s verbal when they use mean words and demeaning statements,” she says.

Non-physical forms of abuse are more rampant than physical abuse, but remain subtle throughout the relationship. “Making the partner insecure and jealous just to keep them on their toes, being cold to the partner but jovially mingling with people from the opposite sex, withholding intimacy are some of the signs,” explains relationship counselor Dr Rajan Bhosale.

The concept is, when you love someone you think you have the power to control them — people would agree to whatever you have to say out of sheer love but when you don’t, the signs of agitation and restlessness start showing, asserts psychiatrist Dr. Harish Shetty, “People with low self-esteem usually succumb to emotional abuse because they don’t understand that what they are going through is erroneous, but they assume that it is their way of life and what they are doing is extremely fine.”

Harish narrates a story of a girl who immediately jumped into her second relationship after she realised her first husband was physically abusive. It started with regular calls at her workplace and soon turned into an obsessive behaviour by her second husband. ‘Where are you? Send me your exact location.’

What initially seemed as cute possessiveness to the girl after a battered first relationship, soon turned into a nightmare. Her second husband now demanded to know what she did the entire day by expecting e-mails of her day plan, ‘Share your day with me love,’ he’d say. One fine day, when the husband did not receive an e-mail all hell broke loose and he accused the girl of not being a good wife. That’s when she decided to approach him to solve the problem.

“Those who abuse are cowards and weak people. If one stands against them and say a firm no, they won’t repeat the behaviour, but one should be strong enough to stand up for themselves and say no after being habitual to the abuse unknowingly. When she stood up for herself and realized her self-worth, the guy stopped pestering her,” Harish muses.

Mental abuse is more detrimental as it develops a sense of fear that is worse than physical abuse. It creates a sense of anxiety and anticipation which in turn ruins the self-esteem. “Jealousy, comparisons, bullying the partner, only lead to anxiety and fear in the partner’s mind. When the ego becomes bigger than the love, emotional abuse comes to the fore,” says Nisha.

The hashtag not only helped women speak out about abuse and find support systems in others going through the same, but also helped give strength to those stuck in such relationships.