Sex, wild and wacko

If you grew up on Mills & Boons and other coquettish romances where the girl waited for the boy to undo her bra for years, then you are not my kind of girl. I grew up on two things: Yash Chopra romances and porn. Yashji was easy to come by, porn not so much. And in any case, those days it was all text and imagination. Usually one had to wait for brother to leave, then quickly run to his bed, shove hand under the mattress, grab book and find a secluded place. Those magazines-under-mattress days came back to me with the film Mastram and I decided to surf the telly to see what it offers by way of sex.

Of course, there’s nothing even remotely resembling sex on Hindi- channels. Max, you’ll get girl’s blouse buttons and boy’s kurta buttons in the missionary position, quickly to be undone when some elderly interruptus, “Arre kahan mar gayi chawal chulhe pe chadha kar?”

But fear not mitron, jo hamara TV nahin deta, woh gore logon ka TV deta hai. TLC has this badly produced, tackily enacted but fabulous show called Sex Sent Me to The ER. Yeh show sex ke bhooke aadmi and aurton ki kathaon par aadharit hai. Each episode tells the story of at least three sex-crazed couples — how their “chal yeh try karte hain” junoon landed them straight into the hospital where they have to explain to the doctor and nurses ki what exactly happened.

One medical emergency involved a young girl who arrived with a locklaw while her boyfriend had a dislocated shoulder. Go figure.

Then there was a couple who decided to go to a forest, climb a very tall tree and do it there. Bus, kapde utarte hi the boy flipped, literally, fell and broke many things.

And then there was the couple trying out their vampire-cum-bondage fantasy. Problem began when the excited vampire tripped and passed out, while the handcuffed and blindfolded victim kept calling the vampire in sexy voices.

This show doesn’t focus on sex. It concentrates on the physically painful but hysterical outcomes of silly and elaborate sexy plans.