Divorce in the autumn of life

Late-age divorces, where couples are usually in their 50s, 60s or more and have been married for decades are referred to as grey divorces. Recently, the announcement of music legend A R Rahman’s separation from his wife Saira after 29 years of marriage has shocked citizens, with various speculations and rumours doing the rounds.

Though still not as common in India as in Hollywood as per legal and psychology experts, such divorces are increasingly being heard of, not only among celebrities but even among common people.

Case Studies

In 2020, a 78-year-old high-ranking retired government officer filed for divorce against her 79-year-old husband
for harassment, financial exploitation and womanising. Her children who live abroad, supported her decision when her husband had allegedly misbehaved even with their granddaughter, who used to stay with the old couple in Kukatpally, Hyderabad.

In another case, after almost 20 years of marriage, a couple from the IT industry separated. The couple had differences brewing since the lockdown period during the pandemic. On top of that, the husband suspected his wife with a neighbour though the suspicion was unfounded. The wife, who was qualified and economically strong, was adamant about divorcing a suspicious husband.

Trigger Factors

Citing the above examples, senior advocate Anita Salabh Jain says, “Such cases of grey divorces are increasingly being filed. I disposed of two cases in Secunderabad court where couples opted for divorce after 30 years and 26 years of marriage. We find age is no bar for separating and the stigma associated with middle age divorce is also not much, especially in urban pockets. Grown-up children are often seen supporting their parent’s decision to separate.”

“The main factors that trigger grey divorces are grown-up children who are settled in their own lives, the partner’s desire for peace and living life as per own terms after adjusting several years in an unhappy, abusive marriage, economic independence and confidence among well-established and qualified women (which most men are still unable to come to terms with). Sometimes, a spouse wants to separate when they find a true, loving companion who understands them and wants to spend their old age in happiness rather than being harassed and forced to be in wedlock. Also, hormonal changes during menopause and other health issues can be a reason, where the wife feels guilty and believes that separation will help the husband,” avers the advocate.

Socio-economic Dynamics

According to Shobha Nargundkar, a therapist, and marital and psychological counsellor, the changing socio-economic dynamics is a key factor behind older age divorces, most of which are initiated by the wife. “Earlier, women used to be dependent on their father, husband or brothers throughout their lives and had no option but to stick to an unhappy or abusive marriage. But now, women have more financial and emotional independence, government support to start small-scale businesses, options to socialise with the outer world through smartphones, travel clubs, gyms and yoga, and access to therapies and counselling. The reasons for grey divorces are usually not extra-marital but a desire for a peaceful, meaningful existence for the remaining years of life.”

“It may also happen that the husband is too busy with work, business and his social life. He may be distant physically and emotionally. Also, fights about custody of children and the compulsion to stay together for them no longer apply as children are all grown up and settled. The woman feels it is high time to pursue her neglected interests, and hobbies, prioritise health and happiness over dragging an unhappy relationship and have clarity about what she wants. They are no longer intimidated thinking about relatives, society or log kya kahenge,” says the counsellor.

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