When the green-eyed monster takes over
By : Kakoli Mukherjee
Update: 2024-11-18 18:40 GMT
Have you heard about Rebecca Syndrome? It’s the new dating term on the block which means pathological feelings of jealousy towards the former lovers of one’s current partner. The name is derived from the novel Rebecca written by Daphne du Maurier, in which the protagonist struggles to measure up to the former wife of her spouse. In this era of new-age relationships, it is common for people to date multiple persons before they settle for the one. This social phenomenon can result in circumstances where one might compare himself with his partner’s exes. These feelings, unless nipped in the bud, can lead to resentment in the relationship. We ask experts what can one do when they experience these feelings.
Self-esteem check
“When you’re really envious of your partner’s ex-lover, the first thing you should do is assess your own self-esteem. How do you perceive yourself, and how much do you respect yourself? The majority of jealousy stems from a sense of inferiority. Improving how you see yourself is the most effective strategy to deal with this,” says Dr Nidhika Bahl, a relationship coach.
“When you’re really envious of your partner’s ex-lover, the first thing you should do is assess your own self-esteem. How do you perceive yourself, and how much do you respect yourself? The majority of jealousy stems from a sense of inferiority. Improving how you see yourself is the most effective strategy to deal with this,” says Dr Nidhika Bahl, a relationship coach.
“It’s better not to discuss former relationships with your partner since it will come back to haunt you when doubts arise, dragging you down even more. Also, keep in mind that all of your partner’s previous relationships have created the person you love now. So instead of worrying about them, focus on developing a deep personal link with your partner,” she advises.
Practise Self-compassion
“Be kind to yourself and recognise your own worth. Everyone has their own strengths, weaknesses. Cultivating self-love can help you feel secure in who you are without needing to measure yourself against others. When feelings of jealousy or insecurity arise, counter them with affirmations of your own qualities and achievements,” says C Manjula Rao, a psychologist.
Practise Self-compassion
“Be kind to yourself and recognise your own worth. Everyone has their own strengths, weaknesses. Cultivating self-love can help you feel secure in who you are without needing to measure yourself against others. When feelings of jealousy or insecurity arise, counter them with affirmations of your own qualities and achievements,” says C Manjula Rao, a psychologist.
“Set your own goals and focus on your personal progress rather than what others are doing. By making progress in areas that matter to you, you can feel more fulfilled and less preoccupied with others,” she adds.
How to stop obsessive thinking?
1 Thought Stopping: When an obsessive thought begins, mentally tell yourself “Stop!” or visualise a stop sign.
2 Set a ‘Worry Time’: If you're finding it difficult to stop the thoughts entirely, try setting aside a designated 15-20 minute period every day to reflect on these thoughts.
3 Activity-Based Distraction: Engage in activities that require focus and concentration like exercise, creative projects or hobbies.
4 Defusion Techniques: Practice seeing thoughts as just thoughts, not facts.
5 Seek therapy.
2 Set a ‘Worry Time’: If you're finding it difficult to stop the thoughts entirely, try setting aside a designated 15-20 minute period every day to reflect on these thoughts.
3 Activity-Based Distraction: Engage in activities that require focus and concentration like exercise, creative projects or hobbies.
4 Defusion Techniques: Practice seeing thoughts as just thoughts, not facts.
5 Seek therapy.
— As told by C Manjula Rao
It’s better not to discuss former relationships with your partner since it will come back to haunt you when doubts arise, dragging you down even more. keep in mind that all of your partner’s previous relationships have created the person you love now. — Dr Nidhika Bahl, relationship coach