The silent killer: How stonewalling affects relationships

Love is never immune to conflicts. Couples can be defensive even when contempt is constructive and the feelings are valid. And, the final negative pattern of interaction is stonewalling — when partners leave the room, stop listening to each other, throw a blank stare.

It’s painful and can hurt a relationship. According to Dr. John Gottman of the The Gottman Institute, stonewalling is the last of the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalpyse,” the four communication patterns that can lead to the end of a relationship.

It’s a complete withdrawal of one partner; the person chooses to shut down, turn away, or stop responding altogether. This is different from taking a step back or a “time out” from an issue to ‘cool’ down and avoid saying something you might regret. One may feel unheard, unimportant and excruciatingly lonely.

Why would they be “in love” with someone who makes them miserable? That’s the central mystery here. What matters is the work that must be done.

Dysfunctional communication

According to Holistic psychologist Dr Nicole LePera, stonewalling is a common dysfunctional communication style that can hurt relationships. “Stonewalling is when we shut down the other person, completely. It is a defence mechanism,” she posted on X. Likewise, emotional intelligence coach Nyle Beck writes on the platform, “Open communication is key for lasting relationships. But sometimes, we refuse to be open, or we knowingly or unknowingly stonewall our partner via silent treatment, mumbling monotone utterances, changing the subject, or leaving the room to self-preserve.”

Lingering on

“Silence works as long as both partners interpret it in the same way. All miscommunication happens when words or actions are misunderstood. The silence between two people loving each other, and the silence between two people in a fight are very different, because of the level of threat experienced by them,” says says Dr Siddharth Warrier, MD, DM Neurology.

While stonewalling may indicate that a relationship is near its end, there are ways not to forfeit. “Stonewalling does not mean the relationship will not last. But it does mean that one or both the partners do not feel safe enough to be able to express their true feelings using words, and they have reverted to their primitive fright-flight defence mechanism. If the relationship has to survive, that sense of safety has to be brought back,” adds Dr Siddharth.

Unsafe Space

As its name implies, in stonewalling the listener withdraws, shuts down, and isolates oneself from the speaker. “The term is used loosely, without people understanding its real meaning, leading to a harmful portrayal of the scenario — without taking the time to understand what the other individual’s barriers with communication are,” says Dr Mona Gujral, chief psychologist at coto, a women-only social community platform adding, “It’s important to understand that the same applies to your partner, too, and the fact that they are silent or seemingly uninterested does not mean it’s negatively affecting your relationship.”